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News
Last Couple Hours of Acid Trip Spent Doing Laundry
9+ hour, 35+ min ago (115+ words) PHILADELPHIA — Local man Ollie Pendleton spent the last stretch of his 10-hour LSD trip doing laundry, pragmatic sources confirmed. Roommate Ray Gupta says that Pendleton often ends up doing chores when he takes recreational drugs. Leela Marchand, a local drug…...
DNC Establishment Alarmed Over Growing Trend of Radical Muslims Hellbent on Providing Affordable Housing and Healthcare
6+ hour, 54+ min ago (188+ words) The Hard Times DETROIT — Progressive Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed’s defeat of centrist Nikki Haley raised alarm bells for establishment Democrats, according to weeping DNC sources. “We’re all in shock. We did everything right and still El-Sayed won. AIPAC gave us…...
Concert ASL Interpreter Does Jerk-Off Motion During Kid Rock’s Entire Set
1+ day, 12+ hour ago (101+ words) HASTINGS, Mich. — Concert ASL interpreter Alyssa Morgan became an instant celebrity after wowing the crowd doing the jerk-off motion the entirety of Kid Rock’s set, venue employees have confirmed. Kid Rock himself was impressed by the reaction Morgan was getting....
Woman on Boyfriend’s Shoulders Really Fucking Everyone Up in Pit
1+ week, 6+ day ago (115+ words) MODESTO, Calif. — A local woman on her boyfriend’s shoulders was really wreaking havoc in the pit at a recent punk show, confirmed primarily unconscious sources. Gwendolyn Herman, the woman in question, didn’t quite see the unfair advantage she had. Experts…...
Opinion: Dogs Keep Shooting People. It’s Time To Regulate Dogs
2+ week, 6+ day ago (699+ words) Well folks, it happened again. There it was, another beautiful sunny Sunday in the park, and the unthinkable happened. Guy leaves his Schnauzer in the car with the windows up so that he can have some peace and quiet away…...
So-Called January 6 Patriot Yet To Be Rearrested for Soliciting a Minor
4+ week, 2+ day ago (159+ words) TOLEDO, Ohio — Dale Fistler, local participant at the January 6 riots on Capitol Hill, has been rearrested for disorderly conduct, trespassing and public drunkenness but, according to sources, the so-called “patriot” has yet to be rearrested for soliciting a minor. Fistler blasted…...
Even Harsher Feedback Coming From Noise Artist’s Dad
1+ mon, 6+ day ago (120+ words) BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Even harsher feedback was reportedly coming Monday from a local noise artist’s dad, whose sustained barrage of personal insults and practical life advice could be heard throughout an otherwise overwhelmingly abrasive experimental music set, confused audience members confirmed. The…...
If You Are Reading This Hard Times Headline, You Are ANTIFA, and You Have Already Been Sentenced to 100 Years in Prison
1+ mon, 1+ week ago (386+ words) Dear reader and threat to America, If this headline has even made it in front of your eyeballs, you are a dangerous member of the ANTIFA terror organization, and you will be imprisoned for 100 years. Don’t worry, your trial has…...
White House Observes Juneteenth by Honoring First African Trillionaire
1+ mon, 2+ week ago (398+ words) The Hard Times “Today, we celebrate Juneteenth by honoring my friend Elon,” Trump said on the White House lawn as custodial staff continued to clean the half-empty Bud Light pounders and dried vomit from last weekend’s Freedom 250 celebration. “He’s now…...
Opinion: AI Will Never Replace Deez Nuts
1+ mon, 2+ week ago (281+ words) But it’s not all hopeless, because AI will never replace deez nuts. I’d love to see these c-suite blowhards leverage AI to streamline gripping my balls while I flip you off. Oh wait, what’s that? You can’t because you value…...